Planners

I have kept an appointment planner or datebook since I was 15. At the beginning the planner was filled with notations such as "AP Lit test" and "Calc problems 1-10." Later it was full of things I needed to remember like "OB/GYN 2:30" and "Due date!"

The last few years my planners have listed "Ken's PET scan," "Ken's CAT scan" and "Ken's surgery."

When I look back on these planners, I am struck by the power of the words I find there. The simple words "Ken's surgery" in a box with the date reveal in and of themselves no emotion. However, those words fill me with memories and feelings no words could convey. I look at the words and whole rooms of feeling open up. I remember what I was doing leading up to those events. I remember my fears, hopefulness, anxiety. I remember Ken being positive and confident that this situation would all work out.

In my planner for the day Ken died, I drew a heart. Again words could never describe the crowd of emotions I experienced on that day. I could never fit in the box my feelings of loss. In the future I will look at my planner for 2007 and see that heart. I will be overwhelmed by those emotions again. But I hope they will be tempered by the knowledge that I'm still filling in planners with events and appointments. I am still vital and functioning. Ken's positive outlook and confidence would allow nothing else.