What happened in California

My mother matter of factly told me that she now goes to church only to socialize. This due to "what happened in California." She went on to say that she especially wasn't going to attend the Wednesday healing services anymore. "That laying-on-of- hands is bunk." She added that Jews, Christians and even Mormons scattered across the country had prayed for Ken and "it didn't do a damn bit of good." I tried to say something about prayer being mostly good for the one doing the praying and that all through Ken's illness I felt good knowing so many people cared enough about him and us to pray. She cut me off with "well, I'm glad it helps you."

I don't know why this conversation upset me so much. I always knew that she wasn't all that religious and had a hard time believing. Most of that disbelief, I think, is because she wants to be in control. If she can't control the outcome, she doesn't want any part of it. She attempted to control the outcome of what was happening in California by telling herself that she truly believed and prayed faithfully and attended the Wednesday healing services. And yet Ken still died.

So why am I so upset? I do not fear that she will not go to heaven. I do not fear that she will be punished. I guess I feel somewhat disloyal because while I sometimes struggle to accept someone else's plan for me, I am willing to believe that, try as I might, I can't control what happens to me and that God does love me.

I don't feel like I have to change her (as if anyone could.) I guess I feel a little disappointed. Disappointed that she may feel disappointment in me for not agreeing with her.