Out of kilter

I feel like a person who has an inner ear problem and whose balance is affected. I am out of balance. That other person who balanced me, who smoothed me, who filled me is missing. I can't find the right footing. I can't figure out where I am or where I should be.

Journey

It appears that there are no shortcuts through grief and mourning. I thought that since my husband's death was not sudden, that I had had time to begin the grieving process and that I could somehow jumpstart my recovery. I hit the wall on Wednesday. Those first days after he died, the house was filled with visitors, cards, flowers, food. Now, a month later, the memorial service is over, the flowers are discarded, the food has been eaten and the visitors are going home. And the grief has intensified.

I have been a widow for a month. I still feel married. Mail still arrives addressed to my husband. HIs clothes still hang in the closet. His car is still in the garage. He is still here but he is not.

Absence makes the heart

How can someone or something's absence be felt as acutely as its presence? I can almost put my arms around my husband's absence.

I think I miss the smell and sound of him the most.