Irrational thoughts

How is this for irrational thinking? I was driving and saw a beige Nissan Murano parked on the side of the road near our destination. My heart leapt. It's Ken! He's here! This has all been a dream!

Later, a friend was making negative comments about Apple Computer. This friend has always made snide comments about Apple. But now comments about Apple somehow feel like comments about Ken. His criticisms of Apple hurt as if he was criticizing Ken. And Ken isn't here to defend himself.

Single parenting

My son asked to go to a friend's pool party on Saturday night. If Ken had been here I would have asked him what he thought (we don't know the parents and don't know the child.) He would have said it was okay for Mark to go and I would have agreed and Mark would have gone to the party. If something dire had happened I would have blamed Ken for letting Mark go and Ken would have blamed me for not voicing my concern and we would have been even and in the end actually would have no one to blame and everyone to blame. (Parenting is complicated.)

But now on my own, I had to make the decision myself and blame only myself if things went wrong. I questioned Mark as to who was going to be at the party, would the parents be there, what time would he be coming home? Mark, being fifteen, was clueless and knew no details. I casually mentioned that I was going to call the parents and get the questions answered. Mark merely shrugged. That was answer enough for me; he was more than willing to let me call.

He went to the party and came home safely. (Single parenting is complicated.)

Flagging Confidence

Just when I start feeling like I can actually handle all this stuff, everything crashes down. I looked at Ken's email to retrieve a password and saw that our credit card company had sent several alerts regarding nonpayment of last month's statement. I was sure I had changed the email alert. And why hadn't the automatic payment been received? Much time later I discovered that changing the general email for the account did not change the email that alerts went to. I cried on the phone to the customer representative. I've never had a late payment! He hurriedly got me off the phone telling me to call back when the penalties showed up on the statement and probably some accommodation could be made.

But it's not just the frustrating details like banks and post offices (a whole other difficulty) that wear on me. I know those problems will work themselves out eventually with my help or not. Rather it's facing the everyday choices that must be made about my children that I never had to make alone before. Ken was a devoted, proud, supportive father. We talked about everything regarding our son and daughter. Now I have to make decisions alone. Should Mark take AP History? Should Claire get her ears pierced?

And I can't ask him for the most important bit of advice--how do I help the children through their grief?

Another Day

I told someone that I still felt married. She asked me if on the day I got married over 18 years ago, did I suddenly feel married? Well, no, it took awhile to feel married. So, she said, it will take awhile for me to feel not married. This friend's husband died about 15 years ago. And sometimes, she says, she still feels married.

I'm proud of myself today for handling a pile of paperwork. There's still more paperwork to do and file, but there always will be.
Today I handled what I could.

A missing presence

I got into my husband's car today for the first time in awhile. I need to drive the car occasionally to keep the battery from dying. The smell of the car overwhelmed me. Ken didn't smell like the car and the car didn't smell like Ken, but I associated the smell of the car so much with Ken.

Dinnertime is hard. We used to eat as a family quite often. Ken loved hearing about our day. Now, when we do eat together, no one says much. We're all thinking the same thing. Ken's not here to share our time together.

Yesterday was Mother's Day. The kids made me breakfast and gave me cards. We had a great lunch and later sat under the stars in the hot tub. We had a wonderful time. But still there was a hole there. A missing presence.