What he would have wanted

I read in the newspaper today about a football player whose mother died suddenly two days ago. He said he would play in today's game because she would have wanted him to. It reminded me of other stories about actors, athletes, politicians who when faced with the death of a loved one choose to carry on with their planned events. I suspect, however, it's not so much a matter of what the loved one would want a survivor to do. It's more a case of the survivor not knowing anything else to do.

I remember the evening Ken died. While we were waiting for the representatives from the mortuary to arrive, I walked around the house listlessly picking up papers, books and errant socks. I kept asking, "What am I supposed to be doing?" I had spent over six months of taking care of Ken. Nearly everything I did or thought about somehow related to Ken. Now what would I do? I didn't know how to grieve. I didn't know even know what it meant. If I had had a football game to play, I would have played.

Now six months later, I have learned how to grieve. I suspect that that football player in six months will have learned too and will feel the need to skip a practice or sit out a game. And while maybe that's not what his mother would have wanted him to do, it's what he needs to do.

Guilt Monster

I rarely felt guilty this summer staying home with the kids. I needed to be here for them. Now they are back to school and I am feeling guilty. How have I earned the right to stay at home? I never asked that question when Ken was alive. He went to work and I stayed home. We each did a vital job. Now he is gone. There is no one to go to work but me. There is no one to stay home but me. I feel guilty that he worked hard all those years and now we reap the benefits without him. Shouldn't I have to deny myself in order to match his sacrifice? How can I enjoy anything without him?